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Exposed secret ends in nasty exit

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A FED up contestant on The Bachelor has exposed another girl’s secret admission in the hope she would be eliminated from the competition — but the tactic backfired monumentally.

Over the weeks, Jen has become bitter with Matty’s lack of attention, so she’s been compiling evidence on all the other girls to use against them. And she’s finally struck gold — all while doing sit-ups in a nearby room. I’d like to note I concoct my best take-down plans while doing crunches too.

As claims fly, the damning evidence leads to a hysterical exit after producers interfere and try to sort things out with a poor attempt at reverse psychology.

There’s also a near miss with a new STD for arms that can be only acquired from spas but more on that later.

After Elise’s dad bullied Matty into talking to her yesterday, he’s now invited her on the private date because if he doesn’t there’ll be trouble.

Matty picks Elise up in a big red London bus and announces they’re going to spend the day re-enacting scenes from Spice World. But Elise has forgotten her Opal card and what could’ve finally been a stellar date on this show promptly comes to an end.

Instead, they head to a nearby park where they keep repeating the word “activities”.

Later that night, they jump on a boat and start fanging around Sydney Harbour when Matty surprises Elise with some jacuzzi time.

She’s super excited but I don’t think she understands the risks involved in this activity. Last time I got in a spa it was at this house the guy I was seeing was looking after. The owners were rich but it turns out they were also super filthy. After spending three hours in their spa, I woke up the next day with a rash down half my body.

I freaked out and went to emergency, thinking I’d contracted some weird new STD for arms and demanded a pathology test.

“It’s definitely not herpe-ic,” the doctor said as I prepared to jump out the window at the mere mention of the word.

Turns out it was just a minor reaction to the dirty mofo’s cesspool of a spa and I got a prescription ointment and everything’s fine now.

But my point is, don’t get in a stranger’s spa. And Elise, don’t be alarmed if you develop a weird new arm STD in the next two to three days.

It’s all fun and games until someone gets an arm STD.

The next day, we head to the beach where Matty surprises us with some weird game that involves giant nets. I have no idea what the rules are here and it makes me yearn for the days of that awful Life Sized Bachelor Board Game that I turned my nose up at a few weeks ago.

All I take away from this is that the girls have co-ordinated their outfits to look like a Jeans West commercial.

Jeans West fits best!

During this challenge, Jen starts to take aim at Lisa and bristles at the mention of her name. She starts dropping comments that Lisa doesn’t even like Matty and Lisa’s not even interested and Lisa shouldn’t even be here.

“In my opinion Lisa isn’t here for love. I’m starting to think someone needs to enlighten Matty,” Jen informs us with an arch of her eyebrow.

With all this nastiness, I feel like we need to lighten the mood. Remember when Tara deepthroated a banana a few weeks ago?

Here she is with a sausage.

SHE. WILL. WIN. THIS. SHOW.

As night falls and we arrive at the cocktail party, Jen continues to explain to us that Lisa — who she’s not friends with and doesn’t talk to — has admitted she doesn’t like Matty.

While Jen slaps down the damning accusations, Lisa breaks the fourth wall and stares at us through the camera.

It’s chilling.

Maybe she knows we know.

“I think it’s time he knows the truth about Lisa,” Jen determines.

Ugh, I wish I was as selfless and considerate as Jen.

Matty takes her down to the same dark fountain where Leah’s future was determined last week. It’s a fantastic location because the glare and shadows make the girls look rather menacing.

Jen keeps hinting she’s “heard” some pretty brutal things about Matty from the other girls.

By now, we’re desperate for Jen to just blow everything up and make a mess and Matty invites her to do her worst.

“I think you need to be really mindful of Lisa. She has turned around and openly said she sees you like a brother. She’s not into you. And that you’re only here to keep your social status up,” she claims.

Matty’s so offended at the accusation he needed to come on The Bachelor just to get more followers on the Gram he immediately leaves Jen mid-conversation and grabs Lisa to ask her point blank.

As Lisa denies it all, the rest of the girls overhear the conversation from the patio and they all turn on Jen for sparking the supposedly false rumours.

And Jen let’s rip.

“Are you shitting me?” she spits back at the other girls as they surround her.

Then it all turns into a back and forth about people getting thrown under buses and now I can’t get that real catchy Bachelor Girl song out of my head.

“I’m closer with Matty then I am with Lisa,” Jen says, even though she hasn’t had one private date with Matty.

“Don’t sit here and tell me she didn’t say it because she f*ckin’ did. I heard the whole conversation — I was in my room doing sit ups!”

The girls gasp. They don’t know how to argue with the evidence. It’s as solid as Jen’s abs from all those sit-ups she’s been doing while eavesdropping.

This is even better than the time Kim dragged Taylor with those Snapchat videos. Jen dragging Lisa while doing crunches is just outstanding.

Cobie interrupts to throw in her opinion and Jen tells her to shut up. Cobie is disappointed but she’s also excited she gets to try out a new facial expression she’s been practising.

10/10 Cobie.

Jen starts crying and saying she was just trying to be a nice, beautiful person.

“I didn’t mean it in a malicious way! I’m me! I’m honest! I’m brutal and I’m gonna say what I heard and I heard it,” she cries hysterically.

As she storms off, a random producer comes to her aid.

“I’m so over these bitches. I just wanna go home,” she continues.

The producers can’t afford to have another girl walk out before a rose ceremony and they try their best to talk Jen back into staying.

“Are you sure you just wanna be known as that girl that goes?” the production assistant asks, trying the kind of reverse psychology techniques you might see in a kids movie.

But Jen knows her value. And she delivers perhaps my favourite line of the series so far.

“I know what I did was just game changing. I AM THE GAME CHANGER,” she tells the producers and I write this line down to use in a confrontation with my boss at a later date.

Jen shoves the production assistant into a garden and marches upstairs to pack her things.

She’s busting out of this taco house.

“That house its just full of bitches. They are 100 per cent fake,” she spits.

And with that, we watch Jen wheel her carry-on luggage out the mansion door without telling anyone.

“I knew there were going to be girls who cut others girls down to make themselves feel better,” Jen explains to us after cutting Lisa down to make herself feel better for not scoring a date.

“All of them can get f*cked,” she adds thoughtfully.

Back inside the mansion, Lisa delivers an evil cackle and secretly admits she did indeed say she hates Matty and that he’s only here for the Insta likes and that Jen was right all along.

She absolutely said all of this and don’t argue with me. I heard the whole conversation. I was in my room doing sit ups.

For more observations on arm STD scares and Spice World, follow me on Twitter: @hellojamesweir

Originally published as Exposed secret ends in nasty exit

Source: entertainment dailytelegraph

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